Dear Dad

I’m sorry i couldn’t be there for you

I’m sorry i wasn’t there when nobody was

Held your hand

Looked into your eyes

And comforted you

Wish i was there

To hug you

And say

That you don’t deserve this craziness

When all you felt

Was helpless.

But I couldn't.

I just couldn't be there for you

When life got wild

And you were hanging by a thread

I couldn’t.

Not because

I didn’t love you

Not because i didn’t see your suffering

But because i was just a kid

Your kid

Watching from the sidelines

As you got beaten

And fighting to keep the storm at bay

You tried so hard

But failed most of the time

How i saw your sigh

And felt it

How heavy it weighed on me

Like a big rock in my throat

How strong i tried to be

But did you even see?

How i suffered

How much i needed love

You couldn’t love me

Or help me swallow my pain

But how can i blame you

Who was there for you?

Who was there loving you?

No-one.

Looking back,

I can’t help but wonder

How you pulled through

But Father,

We are here

Years later

And as much as i understand

How the past

Was not in your hands

How you did the best you could,

I still can wonder,

Who is the person

You could have been?

Who is the person

There inside?

Are you in there,

But trying to hide?

I wish that now

We can have a relationship

But it’s hard to get to know you

When all i know of you

Is someone fighting to survive

And i know it’s silly,

But,

I feel responsible

For your pain.

Maybe i could make it easier for you

Maybe i could make you smile more

But still,

With all this guilt,

I am still a kid inside

Waiting for you

To reach out

To notice

To love

Me first.