Blossoming Agony

How do you describe pain?
When it's way beyond definition
I'd need illicit prescriptions to go endure what I am missing
I've went trough seven hells, and back to get that what I lacked
and now I'm just here sitting writing writhing about agony
I swear it's blossoming ever heard that saying?
„there's beauty in pain.“
I never fully understood what they tried to say in this
But now I get it. Full extend.
I'm right at it, in the end
What they meant is that you go through hell
bear agony so deep that none can comprehend
a mind could ever suffer these, intense, you feel condemned
Broken down to bits and pieces
You spit and spill your blood
and the only true release is
to think you've cut your guts
Or any other way, to try and kill yourself
Cause that hand you have been dealt
Is so evil in itself
And after you come out of it, you sure wont be yourself anymore
Almost had it all
In my hands, in my palm
It was love
And now it's gone
Just like slick that coagulates between my fingers
I feel sick to my stomach since she mentally pulled triggers
And I figured I can't figure cannot think since she lingered
Just to hit me calculated in the head
My mind feels like an oven
yet its freezing to its core
and I'm raging yet I'm calm I am fire I am storm
In denial, full of scorn, like a blizzard losing form
I am broken I am torn
And I wish to be unborn
full of energy that's hate grief
yet numb to all my feelings and I hate that I'm being.
I loved her
I fucking loved her
And now what?
I should be happy with another?