Ballad of the Broadband Banshee

[Verse 1]
I woke up on a Tuesday
In a pixel-painted town
Where the priests all preach on livestreams
And the trolls all wear a crown
There’s a lad named Charlie shouting
’Bout a world that’s upside down
But he still checks every comment
For the likes that make him proud (hey!)

[Chorus]
Oh sing
You broadband banshee
Cry through the copper and glass
We scroll and we swipe and we doompost the night
Then laugh as the nonsense flies past
Raise your phone like a pint in the air
To the cursed and the blessed and obscene
We’re dancing a reel for a world that’s unreal
In the church of the glowing blue screen

[Verse 2]
There’s a goonen in the corner
Eyes as wide as Saucy Jack
Hasn’t seen the sun since April
Spine is shaped like a question mark
He says “One more tab
I’m quitting”
As he opens three more tabs
If procrastination’s sinful
He’s a saint of the spinning hourglass

[Chorus]
Oh sing
You broadband banshee
Cry through the copper and glass
We scroll and we swipe and we doompost the night
Then laugh as the nonsense flies past
Raise your phone like a pint in the air
To the cursed and the blessed and obscene
We’re dancing a reel for a world that’s unreal
In the church of the glowing blue screen

[Verse 3]
They’re swapping jokes of Epstein
Like a morbid folktale tune
“Did he
Didn’t he
Who did what?”
Round and round the barroom zooms
And someone shouts of Diddy
Like a scandal-spouting bard
In a land of trending legends
Every headline’s playing cards

[Bridge]
So here’s to the threads you never should read
To the takes that make your brain bleed
To the lads who argue all night long
Then forget what started the fight (alright!)
Here’s to the cursed little comments we write
To the gifs that get us through life
If the world’s gone mad
Well pour me a dram
I’ll meme till the morning light

[Chorus]
Oh sing
You broadband banshee
Cry through the copper and glass
We scroll and we swipe and we doompost the night
Then laugh as the nonsense flies past
Raise your phone like a pint in the air
To the cursed and the blessed and obscene
We’re dancing a reel for a world that’s unreal
In the church of the glowing blue screen

[Outro]
So log out when the dawn comes creeping
(…or swear you’ll do it next week)
For the tales of this wild wide web road
Make the old ghost stories seem meek
We’re fools with our thumbs on the future
Wearing history like a mask
In an Irish pub with a router
Singing memes as the minutes slip past (hey!)